


Hello My First (love is a little difficult)

by pududoll (aprilclash)



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Dance Instructor Lee Jeno, Idol Lee Donghyuck, Implied Sexual Content, M/M, Non-Linear Narrative, Post-Idol, Secret Crush, What-If
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-01-18
Updated: 2021-02-06
Packaged: 2021-02-27 13:20:01
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 13,718
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22297693
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aprilclash/pseuds/pududoll
Summary: Almost ten years after the accident that forced him to leave idol life forever Lee Jeno has, in no particular order: two degrees in Performative Arts, his own crew (and a rising reputation as dancer and choreographer), a big scar on his face, a long list of casual partners keeping his bed warm, still a huge crush on Lee Donghyuck from the popular idol boyband NCT.
Relationships: Lee Donghyuck | Haechan/Lee Jeno
Comments: 66
Kudos: 406





	1. Love, 오직 너뿐이야 | love, no one but you

**Author's Note:**

> I've struggled with this fic infinitely, for the past six months, but I'm so stubborn that in the end I couldn't just give it up and write something else. I wrote this fic for a commission, a generous person who chose to stay anonymous but hopefully will like what I managed to come up with. Also, this is my first time trying to write something canon-ish for NCT and I'm quite nervous. It's also my first time really writing nohyuck and I had a lot of fun with characterizing Jeno, so I really hope you like him too.  
> The fic is almost done and I'll try to post weekly, if my schedule allows it.  
> Other than to my commissioner, kudos to silvia for supporting me when i said "what do you think about jeno with a scar" and to meg and vivi who read and told me it wasn't that bad when i wanted to cry and just delete everything, and to gio, always, for always thinking about me and sending me good vibes with her kindness.  
> This said, I hope you can all enjoy and let me know what you think ♥
> 
> \- **The warnings might change in the following chapters.** There will be a NSFW scene but I'm still deciding how detailed it will be. If it's really detailed the rating will change to E and I'll change the Implied Sexual Content tag to Sexual Content.  
> \- Title and chapter titles come from 'Bye My First…(사랑이 좀 어려워) by NCT DREAM, which greatly inspired me.  
> \- I wanted to try something new with this fic that I've never done before. I didn't know any apps that would help me reproduce kakao messaging so I did it myself. Please don't mind the timestamps OTL

The small Ediya tucked in a corner of the campus is playing NCT Dream’s We Go Up. Jeno drowns a grimace into the soft wool of his scarf.

The girl lining up in front of him sneezes and slouches a little, curling into herself until half of her face is swallowed by a white Sungkyunkwan University padding coat. She orders a Caramel Macchiato. Jeno glimpses the English title of a Macroeconomy book peeking from her tote bag. She looks too young to be in university but they all do at this point, especially to Jeno, five semesters into his graduate studies, first discussion already out of the way and only his final dissertation left, almost out of university at all. He realizes he’s stared too much when their eyes meet through the class of the counter and the girl’s widen. Her mouth twitches as she tries to control the expression of wonder crossing her face at making eye contact with The Lee Jeno of the Dance Department.

Luckily, the clerk at the counter chooses this moment to announce that the payment is complete and the girl hurries up to the side to wait for her drink. Jeno looks away and busies himself with his phone to avoid her gaze. He orders a hot vanilla latte. Then, after a moment of hesitation, he also orders an ice americano. Counter girl, - Sooyeon, her name tag reads - looks at him like he’s crazy. Outside, the clouds are swollen with snow. Jeno smiles to himself, pays for the coffees. The last notes of We Go Up fade away just as he leaves the building.

Jaemin hasn’t changed much. He still likes his coffee iced whether it’s summer or winter and he still smiles too wide and hugs too tight. He pulls at Jeno’s cheeks, drawing out one of Jeno’s most tender smiles, and ruffles Jeno’s hair.

“So how did it go?” he asks, settling down on the floor of Jeno’s small studio apartment.

Jeno hums and shrugs, faking a humbleness he doesn’t feel.

“The theoretical part was a little hard. The practical part went well. They really liked the choreo. My final defense will be at the end of the semester.”

Jaemin whistles, faking a surprise he doesn’t really feel. They both knew Jeno was going to do well in the practical part. Despite still being a student, he has his own studio, his own label and they have already choreographed for both Ateez and The Boyz twice. His name is well known enough in the industry that he doesn’t really need the piece of paper, but being so close to getting it feels quite nice.

They drink their coffee in a comfortable silence. Jaemin’s phone keeps flashing yellow as Kakaotalk notifications show up on his screen but he ignores it in favor of sipping his precious black poison. Jeno fiddles with his own phone, checking the chatroom of his department to find it filled with weirdly cute Paengha stickers.

“So, have you thought about it?” Jaemin asks, stretching like a cat on the floor.

Jeno shrugs, this time for real.

“I have. I can’t say it doesn’t sound tempting. Freelance doesn’t promise even half of the security that working with a big company can grant me.”

“So what’s stopping you?”

“It’s a big change. A big responsibility.” Jeno bites his bottom lip. “Taewoo- _sunbaenim_ says I’m ready, though.”

Jaemin doesn’t directly look at Jeno but his eyebrows raise in a petulant way. When he talks, he drags every single letter,

“Well, I said the same thing and guess who didn’t want to believe me?”

“I know, I know, you’re right, you’re always right. Na Jaemin the Righteous. Are you happy?”

“I’m always happy when the truth about me comes out.”

“It’s just… It’s awkward, you know? It’s been so long since I’ve seen everyone, and…”

Jeno can feel the way his face smiles even if he doesn’t feel like smiling at all.

Jaemin puts the coffee down and leans back, staring intensely at Jeno. He’s not wearing makeup today, Jeno notices. He’s so used to seeing his best friend looking so pretty he’s almost unreal that sometimes he forgets Jaemin can look like this too. Vulnerable. Human. Scarred. Sometimes Jaemin looks like Jeno and Jeno feels a little less lonely.

“Stop that. Please, just stop. It’s not like you didn’t keep up with basically half the group. I know you meet Mark every three days to chat like the old ladies you are. Man, Jisung spends practice glued to his phone to talk to you. And, just so you know it, I’m aware he fucking invited you to Japan with him for his birthday last year.”

Jeno has the decency to blush.

“I didn’t think you would find out.”

Jaemin tries to kick him from across the room, but it ends up being a soft nudge.

“I know everything, _everything_.” Then, after a beat. “I hope you didn’t break his heart, Casanova.”

“Na Jaemin!” Jeno squeals. “We’re not, you know, I would _never_ … He had just broken up with… You know I don’t like him that way!”

Jaemin’s eyebrows shoot up and Jeno realizes he’s being toyed with. “Do I? I thought I knew you, but you are keeping secrets from me. Like, you didn’t even tell me about the job offer from SM, I had to find out from _Donghyuck_ , of all people.”

Jeno’s heart skips a beat at Jaemin’s words, but he tries to cover it up by flailing a little.

“ _Donghyuck_ was the one who told you? What does Donghyuck know about this? We didn’t… we haven’t talked to each other in years!”

He realized his cover-up flailing hasn’t really worked when Jaemin pauses to look at him like he’s grown a second head.

“Of course Donghyuck knows. Didn’t they tell you? If you accept the job, your first task will be to choreograph his solo debut.”

🐱🐶

For some people, life is made of beginnings and endings. For Jeno though, life is made of befores and afters. Before and after his first television appearance, before and after joining SM, before and after meeting Jaemin, and Jisung, and Mark. Before and after meeting Donghyuck. Before and after the terrible accident that almost took away one of Jeno’s eyes and roughly half of his face. (A stage prop, all shiny glass and metal rods. Funnily enough, Jeno doesn’t remember much of the day of the incident. He doesn’t remember much of his days as a trainee at all. On good days they feel like a dream. On bad days, a nightmare. Never anything real.)

After Jaemin leaves, Jeno cleans up, carefully separates the trash and brings it downstairs. He distractedly whistles the chorus of Trigger the Fever while he showers, his shoulders moving slightly in tune with the song. When he looks up, a tired young man stares resolutely back at him through the perspiration fogging the mirror. He tilts his head to the side so he doesn’t have to see the ragged pink line running down his cheek, but even if he doesn’t look at it he can feel it by muscle memory - it’s in the way the skin pulls when he talks, or he breaths, or even when he doesn’t do anything, and it’s in the slight unevenness he can barely see at the bottom-left corner of his sight field. Still, Jeno is fairly attractive, if the long strings of casual partners he’s had in the last six years is anything to go by. Most of his partners finds the scar quite cool. It gives him some sort of ‘dark and brooding’ aura, they say.

Jeno thinks back to his young self and how no one would have ever called him cool and mysterious. But young Jeno, teenager Jeno, ‘smiling too much’ Jeno, was not enough for Lee Donghyuck.

( _No,_ a little voice inside him whispers, that’s unfair. _It’s not like you weren’t enough, you just never tried to be more._ )

It’s past midnight when Jeno finally sits down next to his bed on the laminate floor. He picks up his phone and sends a single sticker to Lee Donghyuck. It’s a Neo sticker, an extremely coy one, quite out of the blue considering Jeno and Donghyuck haven’t talked in more than five years and their last interaction had involved a hospital bed and Jeno soaking the bandages on the left side of his face.

Jeno looks at the small yellow number next to his message for what feels like an hour but it’s actually four agonizing minutes. Did Donghyuck see the notification and purposefully decide not to open it? Maybe he’s on a schedule, maybe he’s sleeping. Maybe he deleted Jeno’s number and he doesn’t know who the fuck Jeno is anymore. Jeno regrets sending the message.

He opens Youtube instead, looks up an old D&E dance practice video, then another one, then another one. When he goes to sleep it’s past three in the morning. Donghyuck still hasn’t read the message.

🐱🐶

The meeting is held in Cheongdam, not in one of the administrative offices but in the new dance training room Jeno never got to see when he was still a trainee. The big boss is not there - of course, Jeno never expected him to be - but _Lee Sooman_ is, and he gets up to greet Jeno personally.

“Congratulations on your grad school graduation,” he says, and his expression softens when Jeno gives him one of those smiles that would have ended up on his profile in variety shows if he had managed to become an idol - if a ton of tempered glass hadn’t taken that from him a few years ago. “And I’m really glad you’re considering working with us.”

It’s not the first time Lee Sooman meets Jeno after the accident, and his eyes don’t linger too much on the scar marring the left side of Jeno’s face. It is the first time after the accident for Mrs. Kim, and her eyes do linger, though she tries to hide it. Jeno pretends not to see the pity in her face - such a handsome face, ruined so badly, he can almost hear her say it. Except it took years of self-loathe and therapy to finally reach the conclusion that Jeno’s face is still perfectly fine _and_ handsome, although not handsome enough for his idol debut apparently. For Manager Jung it’s the first time meeting Jeno in general, which is a relief. He doesn’t like having something to prove. Better begin with a clean slate.

The other people in the room are both very familiar with Jeno and his work, having already worked with him in the past.

Taewoo subtly pats Jeno in the back and Anthony Testa gives him a hug, forever mindless of etiquette despite the years he spent living in Korea.

“Welcome on board No-jam,” he says, and Jeno replies in shaky English.

“I haven’t signed anything yet,” he warns, jokingly, and everyone in the room smiles as if to say, _cute, he really thinks he’s the one who gets to choose_.

Jokes or not, they’re right. Jeno is not here to choose. SM Entertainment’s offers are not something you can choose to refuse or accept. He came here because they asked, and he will only leave with a contract if they deem him the right person, he will only leave without a contract if they eventually decides he’s not. It’s as simple as that.

“We want you to work on next year’s NCT 127’s comeback,” they say. “Full album plus repackage, world tour. At least ten songs and a few dance solos to choreograph for the concerts, plus of course all the special performances for festivals and end of the year shows.”

Jeno listens, nods through the endless pleasantries of, _it’s good to have you back_ , and, _you always belonged with us after all_ , and the cruelest, _Think of this at your chance at being part of NCT, like it was always meant to be._ He already knew about the comeback and the tour, of course, that’s what they already talked about through mails and endless calls in the last two months. That’s what Taewoo told him the last time they went for drinks, over soju and beer frizzling into each other until they tasted like darkness and forgiveness. But Jeno knows the rules. They would never let him manage a full tour without trying him out first. Sort of like a test drive. And, Jaemin told him, right now there would have been only three options for him.

BIG’s winter mini-album, which would be a pain in the ass because Jeno isn’t exactly keen on choreographing for girls but would at least give him the advantage of working with people he knows like Koeun and Hina. The new EXO-CBX album, which would be absolutely fantastic if he wasn’t already sure SM wouldn’t waste one of their most successful subunit’s comeback after Baekhyun’s return from the military by assigning their dance routines to a rookie like him. And, lastly, NCT 127’s golden _maknae_ solo debut album. The choice is quite obvious, especially given Jeno’s history with the company.

Jeno wonders where Donghyuck is, if they asked him to come and he refused, or if he asked to come and they refused. His knowledge of SM protocols is rusty at best, and even when he was a trainee he could never understand what the fuck the company executives were thinking.

He accepts, of course. Or, more accurately, they accept and he just signs the contract.

In the end, he does it for many reasons. Because it’s a very good job opportunity for a kid who only cooperated with smaller labels and if he does well he really might get a proper contract with one of the big three, something that could last for a year or two, enough for him to carve his name for himself in this bitch of a competitive industry. He signs because Taewoo exposed himself for him, recommended his name to the higher-ups, stomped his feet on the ground and dragged _the_ Anthony Testa in his campaign for giving Lee No-Jam Jeno a job at the company, and then Donghae and Doyoung and Kai _and_ Lee Taemin, and they all vouched for him. He signs because he promised Jaemin and because Lee Sooman himself called him personally and told him it was time to get his revenge over destiny and shine in his own way.

Jeno doesn’t sign the contract because he misses Donghyuck and wants to see him again. After all, he can’t base his life decisions on that high school crush he could never forget. Yet, the truth is he still does miss Donghyuck, he desperately wants to see him again and he could never forget him.

🐱🐶

Jeno is having two lonely congratulatory slices of Red Velvet cake in a brand cafe near Cheongdam when his phone pings. He doesn’t see who it is, just the flash of a giant Frodo sticker with wide, happy eyes and waving paws. He chokes on the double chocolate filling, eyes scrambling to unlock the phone and open the convo. It’s only when he’s staring at the name on top of the chatroom - Lee Donghyuck, indeed - that he realizes how desperate he must have looked, opening the convo in zero point three seconds. Not cool, Jeno Lee, not cool at all, Jaemin’s voice says in his mind.

Except he doesn’t even have the time to feel bad, because Donghyuck messages him again.

Jaemin? Aren’t you the one who told Jaemin? Jeno wants to ask, but he just sends another Neo sticker. Donghyuck replies with a Frodo sticker back and, three minutes later, while Jeno is still busy trying to muster actual words made of letters, a downloadable file called “Spoiler”.

Jeno sends a final Neo sticker back, but the unread mark stays next to it. When it’s finally clear that Donghyuck won’t be making a grand comeback, he sighs, takes a screen of the conversation and sends it to Jaemin, because if he’s going to be humiliated better get the whole deal and add Jaemin’s obnoxious laughter to his own shame.

Jaemin replies a few minutes later with a confused Ryan emoji and an amused string of messages.

.

.

🐱🐶

It’s a Lee Haechan song but not a Lee Donghyuck song. Jeno would have envisioned a pop song, something lively, something bold, a little Shinee, a little MJ, a little like the things Donghyuck likes. This song is not bold. It’s melancholic, in an all-good-things-come-to-an-end kind of way. It’s safe, the kind of ballad that every coffee shop will play for the rest of spring, a song like cherry blossoms falling, but it fits Donghyuck’s voice and that sweet timber he’s always had, that timber the other kids were always jealous of during trainee days.

Jeno envisions elegant, airy moves, closer to ballet than pop dance, graceful more than powerful, made to enhance Donghyuck’s long legs and his thin waist.

He sends a message to his favorite crew, Sam, Youngjae, Chaewon and Hyunsuk.

🐱🐶

(Donghyuck carries himself like he belongs to the industry, like instead of having spit blood to enter SM Entertainment like everyone else he was just born there. He opens doors and waltzes inside like he owns the place, he greets people like he knows them and they know him back, he winks at seniors with a cheek that seems so natural everyone can’t help but believe him. He’s joined at the hip with Mark, whom, Jeno discovers quite quickly, is even more of a golden child than Donghyuck.

Mark is half of the reason Jaemin thinks Donghyuck is older than them in the beginning. While all the other trainees give Mark a wide berth, treating him like a golden idol, the living personification of a Daesang award sent from the heavens to bless us all, Donghyuck treats Mark like a doormat. They fight often and viciously, in a way no one can ever hope to fight with Mark, like they’re on the same level, and Donghyuck pointedly use honorifics when they do - but just out of spite, as if to remind Mark that he can choose when to respect him and when not to.

Mark is nice, he smiles to Jeno and Jaemin, asks them how they’re faring. He gives them tips and introduces them to seniors. Donghyuck steals their energy bars and buy them energy drinks back, makes fun of them, laughs way too loudly and then sits down and sings so sweetly it’s like an angel has visited the training room.

Jaemin likes Mark more, the seniors - Taeyong, Dongyoung, Yoonoh with the face of a Renaissance cherub, John Suh and his best friend Ten from Thailand, Hansol and his unappreciated humor, young Kim Jungwoo who pretends he’s a senior but he likes spending time with the juniors more - they all like Mark more. When Jisung joins the rookies, he definitely likes Mark more, because Donghyuck pinches his cheek and calls him shortie and gives him wet, disgusting kisses on the cheek.

Jeno likes Donghyuck more though. He likes that Donghyuck, just like Jaemin, fills the silence of the words Jeno doesn’t know how to say. He likes that Donghyuck laughs at his jokes, no matter how dumb they are. He likes that Donghyuck acts like he’s better than everyone on the outside, but he’s the first to break through Jeno’s barriers and use informal speech with him, forgoing the formality of first meetings and treating Jeno like they’ve always been friends. And maybe that’s the thing. Donghyuck acts like he belongs, but manages to make Jeno feel like he belongs too, like the only thing he needs to do is just be Donghyuck’s friend to be part of the right circle.

Donghyuck is a god-sent blessing because, in full honestly, Jeno struggles. He sweats and he cries at night and his grades slip and he has to stay behind because he’s not good at singing, his dancing is not sharp enough, his smile not convincing. Donghyuck doesn’t stay behind - something Jeno always attributed to his superior abilities, but it was only, as he will find out later, laziness - but he always texts Jeno to make sure he’s coming back, to tell him to stop training before he collapses, to send him stupid cat pictured because _even if dogs are better jaemin told me you like cats more ahah you’re such a loser but here’s cat pics for you bc you’re my loser_.

Jeno is fourteen years old and he’s not the same kid who starred in a milk CF. He has pimples and his face is still stuck in the limbo between its baby form and its final form and it’s awkward, he has an awkward face and he doesn’t know what to say or what to do and his smile is not as charming as it was in the past so he squeezes his eyes shut and smiles harder, puts everything into it and hopes people find him cute enough to let him go. And maybe he’s too young, maybe he's a loser, but he’s Donghyuck’s loser and that’s enough to make his heart feel warm.)


	2. 서투른 첫사랑 Love | awkward first love

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> it's very late but i hope to update faster in the next weeks.  
> as usual, please don't mind the timestamps on the kakao conversations.  
> enjoy <3

It’s Chaewon who hears the knocking when she drags herself to the lobby to fill her tumbler from the dispenser. It’s a few minutes past midnight and Jeno, Samuel and Chaewon are the only ones left at the studio, the rest of the crew having hurried out to catch the last subway home. Jeno has a license but not a car, and he and Sam usually catch a ride with Chaewon when it’s too late to go home. Right now, though, sleeping at the studio - right on the floor, not even bothering to reach the couch - seems like an amazing idea. That’s until Chaewon calls him.

“Jeno,” she whisper-screams, her head peeking from the door. “Someone’s knocking!”

Jeno groans and squirms on the parquet where he’s lying lifeless after working on the new choreo for the whole day. He lazily kicks his legs up in annoyance and decides that, whoever they are, it’s probably not worth getting up. Samuel, who’s resting his head on a makeshift pillow made of their own coats, just turns on the opposite side and snores.

“Well, go and see what they want,” Jeno whisper-screams back.

“Why don’t you do it yourself, you’re the boss!” Chaewon complains before she heads back with an unhappy sigh.

Jeno can hear her talking in hushed tones with whoever is at the door, then she calls, again, “Jeno-yah, it’s for you!”

“Tell them to go away! We’re closed!” he shouts back, but the footsteps are already coming closer, through the door of the practice room.

“I’m sorry, I know it’s late but Jaemin said you would still be here.”

The voice is incredibly familiar even though it’s the first time Jeno hears it in real life in years - oh, but he heard it on TV, in radio, Youtube, and in old audio messages he still has saved on the relic of the high school smartphone he never dared to throw away. He opens his eyes to the upside-down image of Lee Donghyuck, the real Lee Donghyuck, in flesh, bones and the smudged remains of a stage make-up, standing in the middle of No-Jam’s small dancing studio.

It’s been years, years, and the first thing Donghyuck sees of Jeno is: his bare, tired face, the shadow of stubble on his chin and upper lip, the pimples next to the corner of his mouth he probably got from sleeping face down against the floor of the practice room and eating chicken three nights in a row, and, of course, the ugly scar cutting the left half of his face in half. The first thing Jeno sees of Donghyuck is his faded out red hair,so bright under the cold light of the spotlight, the second his incredibly big eyes.

“You never answered my message,” Donghyuck says with a shrug, not even pretending to apologize for crashing here completely unannounced. “So I came to ask what you think of the song in person.”

Jeno shakes his head. Donghyuck is still upside-down and he’s so tired he can barely get up.

“Hello,” he only says. “Hello.”

🐱🐶

Donghyuck offers to bring Jeno home that night, after he and Chaewon manage to get Samuel back on his feet and on the passenger seat of Chaewon’s small car.

“It was a pleasure, Donghyuck-ssi,” Chaewon says, with another bow, to which Donghyuck replies with yet another bow. “I will see you on Monday then.”

Donghyuck waves politely as she leaves, then pulls the black face mask higher on his face as he scans their surroundings, almost disappearing in the big padding coat.

“What? Afraid you’ll end up on Dispatch’s first page?” Jeno asks mockingly as Donghyuck makes way towards his car. “Nation’s son Lee Haechan caught reminiscing the past together with former SM rookie and current professional dancer Lee Jeno.”

“And what would the gossip be?” Donghyuck shots back. It’s difficult to guess his expression under the cap and the mask, but he sounds a little annoyed. “We work together now. We’re allowed to spend time together.”

The choice of word is peculiar, because it sounds like Donghyuck wouldn’t be allowed to spend time with him if they weren’t working together, which honestly is bullshit because he’s twenty-six, old enough to have his own friends. Jeno almost calls him out on it, but he stops himself when he remember doesn’t have the right to.

What would the gossip be, asked Donghyuck. Well, the gossip is that Lee Jeno often brings home beautiful boys instead of beautiful girls, and if the media ever get a whiff of the scoop they’ll destroy both him and everyone who’s ever gone home with him, even friends like Jisung or Jaemin. And this is exactly why Donghyuck should have come with a manager. Yet, Jeno really doesn’t feel like scolding Donghyuck, or reminding him of the danger of them being here, in the warm cabin of his car, together. In fact, he might be enjoying the moment too much to make Donghyuck feel bad about it.

Donghyuck smells like expensive cologne and expensive makeup and expensive hair products, he smells like people say idols smell when they go to fansign - like something too expensive to be experienced by commoners, something you can look but not afford to touch. And yet, now that Jeno can lean closer - now that he doesn’t need to ask himself whether he can afford Donghyuck or not because he already has him there - he can smell the human underneath the luxury brands, cotton scented Febreeze, sweat and cheap mint gums, the one people chew on when they want to stop smoking. (Jeno doesn’t know what Donghyuck has been doing in the past few years, but he knows for sure he would never smoke, so maybe he just likes to taste minty. Jeno would like to taste it too, possibly on him.) He leans back instead, making himself comfortable against the leather seat, feeling the warm air from the heater vents hit his cheeks.)

“It would still be a gossip, I guess, although maybe not a first page one.” He steals a look at Donghyuck, finds him focused on the rearview mirror as he starts the car. “My fanbase would be happy about it. They’re kind of tired of shipping me with Jaemin only.”

Donghyuck scoffs, maneuver a little to get out of the parking spot, then turns to Jeno, his forearm on the wheel.

“Your place or mine?”

He says it a little too boldly and he must realize that himself because he blushes, a little, under the mask. Jeno can’t see it but he knows it’s there, and he bursts out laughing.

“I thought you were taking me home, Donghyuck-ssi.”

It’s coy, flirty, but Donghyuck doesn’t catch it. There’s an awkwardness in him that was never there before, not with Jeno at least. He frowns as he scans Jeno’s face carefully.

“I thought you wanted to talk. We haven’t talked in… forever. And can you drop the honorifics? It’s getting on my nerves.”

Jeno closes his eyes for a moment. He’s so tired he might drop dead any moment now, which means he needs an energy drink and he can go on for the rest of the night.

“Then let’s not go back to either of our places.” Better not to feed the gossip mill. “We can find a convenience store to grab me some Monster and then I’m yours for the night. Let’s go to the _noraebang_ , what do you say, Donghyuck-ah?”

The way Donghyuck’s eyes shine is a bright enough answer.

🐱🐶

When Donghyuck takes the mask off, the makeup has mostly faded from his face. He doesn’t look perfect like Jaemin does, in a plastic, cover-magazine sort of way. (Sometimes Jeno looks at Jaemin’s face and doubts of its reality, almost wants to touch it to see if it feels real, like flesh and blood, or glossy like the cover of Nylon and Grazia where it’s always featured. Sometimes Jeno thinks SM Entertainment has found a way to photoshop people in real life, there’s no other explanation. When he’s particularly drunk, Jeno wonders if his own face too would have become like that, had he debuted with the others.)

Jeno is not too drunk now, but he pretends he is just so he can lean over the couch in the _noraebang_ and swipe a finger over the side of Donghyuck’s jaw.

“Look, a pimple,” he murmurs, “so you’re real too, just like us, Donghyuck-ah.”

It makes Donghyuck blush and bristle, but he doesn’t slap Jeno’s hand away. He might be a little tipsy too, face on fire after screaming Sherlock on top of his lungs for the second time in a row, breath a little laboured. Beautiful.

They did stop at the convenience store, got Jeno two cans of Monster who woke him up for good, but then they ordered _soju_ and beer at the _noraebang_ , and mixed them to get rid of the awkwardness between them until everything became easy and blurry. Jeno is not used to drinking with Donghyuck - they were still too young to drink when he left the company after the accident - so he doesn’t know how much can Donghyuck hold, what kind of drunk he is. If he miscalculates he might get a puddle of puke on his old sneakers, or, even worse, Donghyuck might pass out and then Jeno will have to haul him home (and ninety-five percent they will find themselves on the cover page of Dispatch tomorrow morning). Right now, though, right now Donghyuck is warm, sitting close to Jeno, and instead of slapping his hand away he just cups Jeno’s face back, his fingers unexpectedly cool as they trace the scar on the side of Jeno’s face, carrying the chill of the _soju_ bottle he was holding.

(And this is it, this is the moment when Jeno should slap that hand away, because this is inappropriate, this feels too raw and too soon and too intimate and fuck, who the hell does Lee Donghyuck think he is to break through Jeno’s barriers like that, but Jeno drank too much to remember he has barriers, so he just takes the second microphone and lets his choked up voice murder the first notes of Trigger the Fever.)

🐱🐶

He only sees Donghyuck’s message in the taxi that takes him home, so close to dawn that he could’ve as well taken the first train of the subway.

Jeno waits until he’s kicked down his pants and collapsed on the bed half-naked to type down a quick answer. He falls asleep before he can see Donghyuck’s answer.

🐱🐶

(And perhaps that’s why Jeno never thought about Donghyuck in terms of possibilities, just in terms of daydreaming. Donghyuck never seemed real, he was like that secondary character the main character has a crush on, the one who’s too pretty, too cool, too high-and-mighty to serve any purpose other than impossible crush and never, _never_ real love interest. The main character - the awkward, clumsy, naive girl who will forever be only average despite all her efforts, but against all odds will always keep smiling, until the very end, against all odds will one day find love - will eventually realize her crush is idealistic and short-lived and turn her attention to someone else. The best friend maybe - cheeky Na Jaemin, a little thing that laughs hard and seduces the trainer _noonas_ with exaggerated, greasy winks. Or the dorky senior - Mark Lee, who laughs like a seal, hand-clapping and everything, but who can also be unexpectedly cool when he passes Jeno a water bottle at the end of dance practice.

Jeno’s cousin tells him to stop stealing her _shoujo manga_ , he tells him that real life doesn’t work like that. There are no fixed roles, you can’t slap an overused plot structure on people and expect them to follow it.

Donghyuck, especially, never liked to follow anything.

Jeno realizes Donghyuck is not like he thought he was -that Donghyuck is different from every other boy he met and at the same time he’s just like any other boy -m when they start filming together for Disney Channel. The facade crumbles, shatters into tiny pieces that shine like diamond dust under their feet.

They start spending more time together, Jeno and Jaemin and Jisung and Mark, and of course Donghyuck, and like this it’s easy to pick up on each other’s little quirks, easy to see under the carefully constructed persona Mark and Donghyuck carry around. Donghyuck doesn’t get nervous easily, but when he does he shakes all over. Donghyuck definitely doesn’t know what he’s doing most of the time, he just pretends he does. Donghyuck is just a boy like Jeno, thrown in a world too big for him, a world that shines - what a great thing, a world that shines, except you can’t make mistakes under all those lights because there’s nowhere to hide them.

Donghyuck has moods. Sometimes he just can’t smile anymore and his jabs at Mark become mean and sharp and it’s not about Mark anymore, it’s about Donghyuck and the need to get away from everything. It doesn’t happen often, but when it happens Mark surprisingly acts more worried than offended. The first time Donghyuck leaves the room with something akin to panic on his face, Jisung tries to comfort Mark by telling him Donghyuck was an asshole. Mark shakes his head, doesn’t say anything. He looks at the door and bites his bottom lip and acts a little helpless and a little angry, but mostly helpless. There’s a barrier, Jeno realizes. Mark knows parts of Donghyuck none of them new kids can’t ever hope to reach, and yet even Mark can’t help him. (Maybe Mark is a little angry that he’s the one who’s expected to help him and he doesn’t know how, and it’s not fair, he would if he could but he doesn’t know how.)

Jeno doesn’t say anything. He leaves the room with an excuse and finds Donghyuck sitting in front of the water dispenser, holding onto his headphones to keep them flat against his ears, leaving the world outside. Jeno can faintly make out a Shinee song. He takes the elevator, goes down to the Seven-Eleven in front of the building and buys chocolate milk. When he comes up, he leaves it on the empty seat next to Donghyuck and simply comes back inside. Donghyuck joins them five minutes later. He smiles upon entering the room and immediately clings onto Mark, cheekily begging for his forgiveness. He doesn’t say anything about his outburst, doesn’t acknowledge Jeno in any special way. Jeno never knows what happened to the chocolate milk he bought for Donghyuck, but at the end of the day, when he’s tired and cranky and the PD has given him too much criticisms in the vest of constructive advices, Donghyuck gives him a small pack of strawberry milk with a wink.

And Jeno is just too young. He likes things simple, easy, he doesn’t understand what is it about Donghyuck that makes his heart race. He barely knows Donghyuck, for crying out loud, and all the things he learned on his cousin’s shoujo mangas, amateur romance with pale halftones and flowery application behind a girl with big, big eyes, fail to apply to his first love. Jeno doesn’t even have big eyes and Donghyuck is just the impossible crush. It’s all wrong.

So Jeno looks at Donghyuck from the other side of the room, watches him joke with Mark, with Jaemin, with Jisung. He keeps his distance and waits until Donghyuck comes to him. When Donghyuck does, Jeno simply enjoys what he gets. He might be too young, too narrow-minded, but love is a little too difficult for his liking.)


	3. 다 기억하기에는 난 아직은... | remembering it all i still...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is very late but i had a lot of problems, both personal and related to the fic. i originally thought i would be able to finish within five chapters but i realized i didn't like how chunky the story would have been so i went and added this whole chapter out of nowhere and now i like it better.  
> as usual, please don't mind the timestamps on kakao conversations.

It snows again at the beginning of the week, and Jeno sleeps his morning away.

When he wakes up his face hurts, the dull pain of old wounds acting up in winter and when it rains. He makes breakfast to Naver trends telling him that Mark Lee won yet another award somewhere in America and rumors of Lee Haechan dating the leader of the last girl group that debuted through a survival program.

Jeno hesitates, his chopsticks hanging up mid-air over the bowl of white rice and the fingers of his other hand lingering over Jaemin’s contact on his phone. He could very well ask Jaemin if Donghyuck is really dating the girl, but wouldn’t that be too obvious?

It’s not that Jaemin doesn’t know, Jaemin has always known. Since they were trainees, Jaemin was the first to catch up. To some extent, everyone had realized Jeno’s crush on Donghyuck, everyone but Donghyuck himself. To some extent, that had made things even harder after the surgery, when the rest of the group had flocked Jeno’s hospital room in groups of three, trying to make Jeno laugh even if his face hurt too much when he did, being loud and unrestrained and so, so themselves despite the glares of the nurses. Donghyuck did not come.

(“Don’t you have his number? If you’re lonely, you can call him.”

“Do I look lonely?” Jeno had asked, his hands lying motionless on his lap. The light in the hospital was dim. The light in Jaemin’s eyes was even dimmer, and it held all the answers.

“It’s just… a little pathetic,” Jeno mutters. “To ask him to come if he didn’t do it himself.”

“It’s not,” Jaemin had answered. “It’s not. Jeno, come on, you took a plank for him in the face, almost lost an eye. He’s feeling guilty. He thinks you’re angry at him. He’s angry at himself.”

Jeno looks down and doesn’t say anything.)

It’s been eight years and it’s still pathetic. Jeno never called, Donghyuck never came. It’s been eight years and what it finally took for Jeno to talk to Donghyuck again was the stupid job. Yet he never stopped listening to NCT songs, searching for NCT related news on Naver, learning their choreos in the breaks between rehab and university, voting for Donghyuck on every stupid award.

Jeno’s phone pings twice. It's Jaemin.

🌸

At the beginning of winter break, the company forwards them four of the five songs that will be in the mini album. Two of them, the title that Donghyuck illegally sent Jeno a few days ago and the closing song of the mini, are ballads. Jeno gets the title, leaving Chaeyeon in charge of the last song. Samuel calls dibs on the third song of the album, a smooth R&B style song that will probably be popular in coffee shops and lo-fi playlist. They don’t need to come up with anything for the last song, a collaboration with two rappers from the NCT Chinese subunit, so Jeno has pushed it to the bottom of the list of songs he yet has to listen, but Chaeyeon seems to be obsessed with it.

“I mean, do you blame me? Yangyang _and_ Lucas? Freaking sexy Jeno, you can’t deny that.”

Jeno can’t deny it, but the annoyance in his chest tastes a little bit like jealousy so he eventually decides not to say anything at all. After all, Donghyuck is always surrounded by sexy people all the time. And it’s not like Jeno has any chance with Lee Donghyuck anyway. He’s just here to choreograph Spring Heartbreak n. 66, so that’s what he tries to do.

The title is actually temporary, although Donghyuck really seems to like it. The lyrics too are mostly a work in progress, but Jeno guesses they want to go for the love broken under the last cherry blossoms, the playing the piano under the rain, the staring intensely at the camera vibes with this album. He doesn’t doubt it will be immensely popular - it’s Korea and Korea loves melancholic coffee shop ballad songs - and he knows Donghyuck has the right voice for it, sweet and nasal, almost syrupy. This could be the next Cherry Blossoms Ending if they have a little bit of luck, and yet Jeno doesn’t know what to do with it.

It’s like the company wants to test him, giving him songs so far away from his comfort zone. Jeno likes strong, fast pieces that he can dot with acrobatics and flashy coordinated moves. This, this is a song Donghyuck could sing all alone in the middle of the stage, clutching the microphone with very intense, very fake sadness in his eyes.

“How’s the title track going?”

Jeno grunts in response.

Hyuksun laughs and sits down next to him, on the pale beige wooden floor of their practice room. Here, their backs against the mirror, they listen to the song over and over again as the snow falls outside.

“It’s too cold for this song,” Jeno murmurs, and Hyunsuk nods, his eyes closed.

“It’s supposed to be about cherry blossom love, isn’t it? We’re way too early. We should wait until the blossom season starts to get inspired.”

Jeno laughs. “The choreo needs to be ready at the end of the month, which means we have two days to come up with _something_.”

Samuel enters the room and flops down next to them. “Remind me why we’re in such a hurry?”

“Because it’s SM Entertainment,” Hyusuk replies for Jeno, “and our boy here managed to score us the job of the year.”

“If we do well this time,” Jeno adds.

“If we do well this time,” Hyunsuk concedes. “But we’ll do well, don’t worry.”

He gets up and drags Samuel to the waiting room to order burgers from Lotteria, and Jeno leans back against the mirror. Outside, snowflakes are floating weightless, white against a white sky, in the clutches of the wind, and Jeno thinks of cherry blossoms, of the song Donghyuck will sing on his debut. An airy song, a sad song.

He picks up his phone, energy starved and all oily from how he left it in his backpack together with an opened bag of honey butter chips. Eugh.

There’s a string of messages from Donghyuck sent a couple of hours before, while Jeno was practicing an old choreo with Hyunsuk to get his mind off the choreo.

Jeno scoffs and sends a crying sticker back. Then he frowns.

 _What do you think about_ , he types, fingers hesitating on the keyboard, leaving small little fingerprints in sugar and oil on the screen. He shakes his head, sends the message without thinking too much about it.

🌸

Donghyuck is laughing in one of the small practice rooms when Jeno gets to the building. It’s one of the minor buildings of the company. Trainees are usually packed like sardines in big rooms and taught for hours until the weak falls and the strong stand. Again, and again, and again. That’s when you get moved to another room. That’s when you step forward. Towards your dream.

This is a new building, one Jeno has never seen before. It’s… better. More modern, less squalid than the ones in his memories. Or maybe it’s just that his memories are squalid altogether, all sweat and muscle pain and the golden lining of Donghyuck’s whiny voice.

Speaking of Donghyuck - speaking of the devil.

“I told you! This is not how you win!”

The manager-noona opens the door without knocking and Donghyuck and Renjun look up from the floor, where they were playing a game on their phones. If they had been rookies, they would’ve scrambled up - screw that, they would’ve never been on the floor. But Donghyuck is an idol. Renjun, well, he’s an idol too, and he’s looking at Jeno with eyes that are sharp and foxy and really really bright, just a little shy of hesitant.

“Jeno-ssi,” he murmurs. “Long time no see.”

Eight years? More important than that is what Renjun is doing here with Donghyuck. After Dream was disbanded at the end of 2020 the two have been in a couple of Dream Anniversary albums - the company’s excuse for making them perform together without committing to keeping them as a unit - but they mostly perform with their units, WayV for Renjun and 127 for Donghyuck.

Jeno frowns, but Renjun is looking at him, a polite smile on his face, and Jeno ends up ducking a little in a bow-something greeting as he mutters a greeting.

“Renjun-ssi, it’s really been a long time.”

He doesn’t want to smile, but he doesn’t know what to do so he smiles anyway. “I listened to WayV’s last album. Your solo song was good.”

It’s not a lie but he didn’t really want to compliment Huang Renjun, the boy who got his spot in Dream. The boy who shared a group with Donghyuck and Jaemin and Jisung, but not with Jeno. Sometimes it’s just… awkward. He doesn’t want to dislike Renjun but he doesn’t want to like him either, even if he’s too likeable according to Jaemin. And yet, Jeno has nothing to tell Huang Renjun, so a compliment is what he tells.

Renjun, taken a little off guard, stutters. “Oh, oh sure. You listened to it. Thank you, cool, cool.” He opens his mouth, seemingly to say something else, but Donghyuck shuts him off.

“Alright, alright. That’s _my_ choreographer and dance teacher Renjun, go and bother Ten or something.”

Renjun sighs exaggeratedly and gets up. “I will leave you to your busy schedule, oh mighty solo artist. Catch you later.” There’s a beat and another sharp smile. “Jeno-ssi.”

Donghyuck hurriedly waves him away and closes the door. It’s like he sealed a pressurized room. Jeno feels heavier than before, trapped with Donghyuck in this unfamiliar practice room. If Donghyuck feels uncomfortable, he doesn’t show it.

“Take off your coat,” he says, “and let’s have this conversation about heartbreak.”

🌸

They go to eat _gamjatang_ in one of those very hidden, very lowkey family-managed places, and the lady ushers Donghyuck and Jeno in a separate room as soon as he takes off his mask. They take off their shoes and sit down, Korean style, and Donghyuck crosses his legs and slouches over the table as soon as he orders.

“You like _gamjatang_ , right?” he asks hesitantly.

“I do.” There’s a slight pause. “Why?”

“No, just. I was thinking back when we were trainees. Our style really didn’t match a lot. Everytime we had to order at the dorms we would end up splitting and getting food from different places.”

Jeno scoffs. He does remember. He didn’t think Donghyuck would.

“It’s been so long, you still think about stuff like that?”

“You don’t?” Donghyuck asks, raising his head from his phone to look up at Jeno through short, thick eyelashes.

 _I do,_ Jeno wants to say. He tries not to think too much about it because he likes his career, he likes his life, he likes the person he grew up to be, but it’s difficult sometimes not to get lost in the whirlwind of _what ifs_ , what his career, his life, what Lee Jeno could have been if he had debuted like planned. He tries not to think about it, but thinking about idol life means thinking about Donghyuck, and Jeno still thinks fondly of Donghyuck, those memories bright and pink-filtered in his mind.

Donghyuck looks at him expectantly, but before Jeno can answer the door slides open and a girl enters the room, balancing in her hands a tray with their drinks and a giant pot full of soup. Her eyes widen as she sees Jeno, and she lets out a little squeak.

“Ah, are you perhaps Lee Jeno? NoJam?”

At Jeno’s surprised nod she smiles wide.

“Can I have a picture? I’m a super big fan. Please, Donghyuck-oppa, help me get a picture with No Jam.”

Donghyuck laughs at that, all his bad mood dissipated, and turns to her teasingly as she lays the bowl in front of him and Jeno, over the portable stove.

“You’re not asking for a photo with me, Hwihyeong?”

She curls her nose cutely. “I have too many already. I should start collecting your signature so I can sell it.”

“This brat. Do take a picture with her, please,” Donghyuck asks Jeno. He turns to the girl again. “I’m only doing it for your mom, Hwihyeongie, since she always treats me well.”

She makes an annoyed face and tells them the food will be ready soon. Donghyuck chases her away.

“Will that photo be all over Twitter tomorrow?” Jeno asks, with a soft voice, and he plants his elbows on the table, leaning forward so that he’s a little closer to Donghyuck, separated only by the smoke rising from the simmering stew.

The question seems to worry Donghyuck, or maybe it’s the sudden closeness, because he moves back. “Would it be a problem if it was? I can ask her not to post it if you want.” His brows furrow and Jeno wonders what he’s thinking. “I didn’t think it would be uncomfortable for you.”

“It’s not uncomfortable if it’s you,” Jeno replies, and Donghyuck blushes. It’s nice, knowing he can make Donghyuck blush. Jeno used to blush so much, back when they were trainees. It’s nice to think that he’s grown up and now he can have the upper hand. It’s not easy, for Donghyuck still fluster and confuses him to no end. It’s not easy, but it’s nice.

🌸

“The problem is,” Jeno says, as he fishes a too big piece of potato from the pot and takes a tentative bite. “Ah, still raw.”

“I told you,” Donghyuck mutters.

Jeno drops the potato in the soup and sulks, but ignores the reprimand. The silence stretches between them until Donghyuck decides he’s had enough of it.

“So, you don’t like the song.”

He sounds defensive, in that _yes, there’s no need to tell me, I already know it doesn’t suit me_ way, and Jeno raises an eyebrow.

“You don’t like the song either, it seems.”

Checkmate, Lee Donghuyck. Jeno stirs the soup a little more, staring at the bubble appearing on the surface like they hold all the answers he needs. He thought about it very hard but there’s no other way to put it.

“The problem is that I’ve listened to the lyrics and they don’t fit the song at all.”

Donghyuck’s expression darkens. He doesn’t deny it, which is a good thing, but in the end he just shrugs, which is definitely not a good thing.

“And what do you want me to do about it?”

“Talk to the management, I don’t know, this is your song. Your debut song. Don’t you want it to be perfect?”

“It’s not up to me,” Donghyuck answers with a pout. “I mean, I sing, I dance, I smile at the camera, someone else takes the decisions, that’s how it works.”

It’s not, Jeno wants to counter. Mark writes his own songs, Jaemin writes the lyrics, the Chinese guys do everything by themselves. Yoonoh and Doyoung didn’t write their duet, but they chose the concept at least so he doesn’t really understand why Donghyuck cannot. It’s kinda annoying.

“Yes, I know it’s annoying, but that’s how it is. So, did you only come here to scold me about the lack of involvement I have in my own album?”

“Yes, yes I did.”

Donghyuck seems almost disappointed with the answer. And confused.

“Why? You just have to choreograph it and you’ll get that better job, why does it matter that the song is good?”

“Well, of course it matters! You sent me an instrumental track and I choreographed a falling in love with you slowly under the April rain song, and then the lyrics come out and it’s like a I love you but we’re not made for each other so let’s break up under these cherry blossoms and I completely need to redo the choreography.”

“Well, it’s either you or the lyricist who needs to do everything from scratch, why should it be him and not you?”

Jeno looks at Donghyuck and crosses his arms.

“Well, because those lyrics are average but my choreography is beautiful, of course.”

🌸

They take a taxi to Jeno’s studio because Donghyuck doesn’t want to go back to the company building.

“Does your manager know you’re with me?” Jeno half-asks, sitting next to Donghyuck on the clean seats of the taxi.

Donghyuck shrugs. “Why are you always so worried about being seen with me?”

Jeno catches the eyes of the taxi driver sitting in front of them and says no more. He’s just trying to look out for Donghyuck, and yet Donghyuck always seems so… upset about it. What a weird guy.

Jeno unlocks the door, the magnetic card dangling from a stupid Neo keyring Samuel won for him at the claw machine. He lets Donghyuck in.

The studio is dark. Jeno had accepted Donghyuck’s request to head here because he knew no one would’ve been here tonight, but now that he’s seen the darkness looming wordlessly in the practice room he starts regretting it a little. The ground seems too fragile to hold both him and Donghyuck when they’re alone, ready to shatter like the surface of a frozen lake at the beginning of winter, when the ice hasn’t been formed long enough to be stable.

He turns on the light and watches Donghyuck take off his coat, balling it up in a giant bundle of fluff and goose feathers to throw it on the floor. He does the same.

“I was the one who composed the choreography for this song,” he says, even though Donghyuck already knows. “I’ve been thinking about it for a long time… Since you sent it to me, actually.”

“And you had a confession song in mind,” Donghyuck concludes, using the same words Jeno had used back at the restaurant.

“It made me think of… rain.”

(Rain falling over the last cherry blossoms. Puddles on the ground, everywhere. Jeno was holding a plastic umbrella over his and Donghyuck’s head. They were giggling together, but he cannot remember what they were chattering about. He remembers that day - he would never be able to forget that day - but not all of it.)

“Rain at the end of the cherry blossom season,” he continues. “Holding hands. A confession.”

He looks into Donghyuck’s eyes.

 _Are you thinking what I’m thinking?_ he wonders. _Or you have forgotten, about that day, about me. About the promise I made._

(Two boys leaning close under the transparent plastic umbrella, raindrops and cherry blossoms plastered above their heads.

“After practice, there’s something I wanna tell you,” Jeno had whispered, and Donghyuck’s eyes had twinkled. And Jeno had hoped, because Jaemin knew, and Mark knew, and Jisung knew, and the hyungs probably knew, so it was only normal of him to hope Donghyuck knew as well, wasn’t it? And the sky was cloudy, gloomy, but there was light in Donghyuck’s eyes, framed by his dark hair, light in the way the corner of his lips lifted slightly. Jeno could read that face so well.

“Okay, Jeno Lee. I’ll wait.”)

Now Donghyuck’s face is unreadable.

“Show me,” he says only.

Jeno lays his phone on the chair. The song starts playing. He has so many things to show Donghyuck. He dances.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> feedback is always appreciated <3<3 to the person who prompted this story, i hope you're reading and you like it <3


	4. Ooh 남들만큼 안다고 | Ooh I know what everyone else knows

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's been so long and I'm so sorry. A lot of things happened and going back to this fic was incredibly hard because I want to make it longer and longer and I keep having less and less time. I don't know if there's still someone who's into this but even if no one reads it I really want to wrap it up for my piece of mind because I actually like this plot. So, little steps. Getting close to the ending one small chapter at a time <3  
> Also other notes I am not a dancer, I tries to research a little and I really hope you can visualize the choreography I had in mind, but if you are a dancer and if you find any inaccuracies please forgive me I'm really out of my depth for this one.

The story starts with a phone call. Two rings, “Hello.”

It’s a little cliché, but years of shoujo manga consumption taught Jeno that cliché is the best. Nothing can beat a cliché. Everyone knows it so you don’t need to explain it, you just need to portray it well.

“Acting is important as much as dancing in this part. It won’t work if you don’t look the part.”

“So I’m getting a phone call from the person I like,” Donghyuck says, completely focused, as he watches Jeno’s flawless form executing the first steps of the choreo on the screen of Jeno’s phone. “Do they like me back? Are we together? Or is it just one-sided?”

“We don’t know it yet. That’s what the song, and the dance, should be telling.”

“Shouldn’t I know in advance?” Donghyuck asks, but Jeno shakes his head.

“What would you like it to be? It’s your song, after all.”

Donghyuck doesn’t seem to know the answer, so Jeno pats his shoulder.

“You can think about that. In the meanwhile, you answer the phone and they ask you to meet. You weren’t expecting them to call you, so there’s this passage, a little like pacing, but following the music. I added some footwork, and there’s a few moves inspired by ballet where you’ll need to watch your form a little, but overall it’s not so difficult.”

On the screen, a tiny Jeno bends his back backwards, a Ina Bauer inspired form that he hopes won’t be too harsh on Donghyuck’s tired back. He sighs and stops the video.

“I was planning to see how you do with this part first during practice, and if it doesn’t keep you from singing we can add more difficult steps, but for now the first part of the choreography is quite calm because you’re on the phone, you’re talking to your relevant someone. So we start simple, almost slow, mic in the middle of the stage, and you can pick it up and pace around following the music, but free-style, not forced.”

“Not forced,” Donghyuck repeats, and Jeno nods. He starts the video again but instead of just watching it he gets up and performs the steps again for Donghyuck. They’re a little drunk but he still manages to get the spin kind of right when the music picks up, although it does feel a little sloppy.

“Don’t worry about copying it perfectly, you can personalize this part if you want. The important thing is that you follow the script. Can you stop the music please?”

Donghyuck nods and blocks Spring Heartbreak No.66. Jeno sits back on the floor and pulls him down as well.

“You see, this kind of song is a trap for kpop choreographers. Usually with ballads like this one there’s no choreo, especially for solo artists. Groups can still pull off modern dancing around slow beats, but if you’re singing it’s going to be hard for you to do anything too dramatic. So we need to go for something simple but effective.”

He starts the video again, from the beginning. Donghyuck wiggles a little closer, almost headbutting Jeno in the chin in an uncoordinated attempt to tuck his head on Jeno’s shoulder. Jeno catches a whiff of spice, the smell of the soup they ate earlier, clinging to his hair and the collar of his shirt, stronger than the cologne, stronger than the alcohol in his breath.

“Go on,” Donghyuck says, still bent towards the tiny screen like he wants to fall inside it. Jeno can only see the tip of his ears, as red as his face must be.

“For the prechorus, you run towards the station. Here the backdancers would do most of the job. You will have to bump into them, because they’re supposed to dance like they’re trying to block you from reaching the person you love. They are the enemies, in some ways. I was envisioning a transition during the chorus when they turn from obstacles into helpers, and start dancing together, a little like a wave that you have to ride, and it brings you home.”

He stops the video again. Since it’s the practice sample he danced with the rest of the crew when they put together the choreo, there’s only four of them circling Jeno, who’s playing Donghyuck’s part. Donghyuck will have at least eight people on stage, so it’s going to look a lot bigger than what they did, but they still managed to get the gist of the effect.

“What do you think? Pretty, isn’t it?”

Donghyuck hums, holding the little player icon back until he can watch the entire sequence again. He manages to stop exactly when Jeno - who’s playing Donghyuck’s center part - jumps, and the shirt rides up on his chest.

“You’re very pretty,” Donghyuck says, amused. “And the choreography is phenomenal. I didn’t think you would be able to do something like this with a simple ballad.”

“We stayed up for a week trying to come up with this. I referenced every single similar song I could think of, trying to see how they dealt with the lack of a strong beat. I also watched a lot of classical music. And figure skating. I would only do that for you, Hyuck-ah. Classical was my most hated elective.”

Donghyuck closes his eyes. His whole face is so red. Sometimes he can drink a lot and still be as sharp and precise as a needle, sometimes he tumbles down, heavy and warm, against Jeno’s shoulder.

“I would have liked to see it,” he says, in a low voice. “You dancing classical. Renjun does that, sometimes.”

“Then you should ask Renjun.”

“I’m asking you. You should dance for me. You should teach me.”

“I should bring you home,” Jeno murmurs, and Donghyuck shakes his head like a stubborn child.

“We haven’t finished analyzing the song. You said you wanted to use props in the bridge.”

“Mh, I did say that. But the bridge is not ready yet. And we’ve both drunk too much to start kicking chairs without hurting ourselves. I’ll show you the bridge part tomorrow the next time you come to practice, okay?” Donghyuck nods and mumbles and nuzzles at Jeno’s neck like a tired puppy.

“We should go home, Donghyuck.”

“Finish the song,” comes the reply, muffled by a half-yawn.

Jeno stops the music and fast forwards to the last twenty seconds. “See this part, here? This is where we need to express all the urgency. The lyricist needs to get this part right. You need to get to the park and meet your lover before the rain has washed out all the cherry blossoms, or you might lose the chance to see them, and your lover, for another year.”

“You said this song didn’t make you think about heartbreak,” Donghyuck muses.

“It’s not heartbreak if there’s a happy ending.”

Donghyuck nods. “I’ll see what I can do. You’re making me pull all the strings here, I hope it’s worth it.”

“Do you think it’s not? You did say that the choreo is phenomenal.”

Maybe Jeno shouldn’t brag so much, considering he’s the main author of the choreo, but it really is pretty.

“I didn’t know you were so good,” Donghyuck says, soft, so soft. “Jaemin told me you went into art college to keep dancing and I saw some of your choreos for other groups, but nothing was like this.”

It’s because none of those choreos were for you, Jeno thinks. It’s unfair, he doesn’t want to give Donghyuck so much, pour so much of himself in a song just because it’s Donghyuck’s song, but he’s already done it. What a fool.

“Your agency likes to challenge people. I have a feeling they gave me the most difficult debut they had just to see if I can really do my job even in unlikely circumstances. Which I completely plan to do.”

“It’s not that,” Donghyuck says, almost inaudible. “It wasn’t that the company was trying to challenge you. In fact, they wanted to give you 127 directly and never let you direct this project.”

“Then what am I doing here?”

“I asked for you. Said I wanted you and no one else for my debut. I was sure you would’ve made the best dance program for me. And you did. I was right, wasn’t it?” With that, Donghyuck shrugs, yawns again, and rests his head on Jeno’s lap.

“Should I call you a taxi, Donghyuck-ssi?”

“You called me Hyuck-ah earlier, don’t tease me. Come on, start the video again from the start. I need to watch it a few more times before I have it memorized.”

Jeno scratches at Donghyuck’s nape, combing his dye-fried strands between his fingers as he lets the video start again. Donghyuck is asleep before the second verse starts.

🌸

🌸

Jeno stares quietly as Donghyuck drapes himself all over Samuel and blows him a kiss. Samuel looks at Jeno and it’s hard to say whether he’s scared of Jeno or of Donghyuck. Still, Jeno claps twice, attracting everyone’s attention.

“The break is over,” he announces. “Haechan-ssi, stop bothering my assistants and focus on the dance steps.”

“Haechan-ssi? Not Donghyuck-ah? You called me Donghyuck yesterday night.”

That makes both Hyunsuk and Samuel perk up in surprise, eyes wide and a little confused.

“It’s not like that,” Jeno squeaks at their accusing expressions. “I swear, sometimes you’re both worse than him. He came over to look at the practice video.”

“And you called him without honorifics?” Hyunsuk whistles. “You usually don’t take that many liberties with clients. You must be special, Donghyuck-ssi.”

Donghyuck preens. “I am special. But you also can call me just Donghyuck, since we’re all working together.”

“But wouldn’t Jeno be jealous if we did that?”

Jeno not-so-subtly elbows Hyunsuk in the side. Traitor. They’re joking, of course, but Jeno doesn’t know if Donghyuck knows. He doesn’t know if Donghyuck will think Jeno is giving him a special treatment - he doesn’t know if he wants Donghyuck to be aware of that, because Jeno has totally been giving him the special treatment.

Donghyuck doesn’t seem to have noticed, and if he did he does a great job at hiding it. He turns his back to the three of them to reach his water bottle on the counter, swallowing it all down in one go. Jeno’s eyes catch on his neck, his collarbones, on his cheeks and lips, like Donghyuck was covered in thorns and Jeno keeps getting stuck on him.

“We’re old friends, okay?” he says, willing himself not to blush, to answer Hyunsuk’s and Sam’s expectant expressions. “I’ve always called him Donghyuck-ah before the incident.”

Donghyuck chooses that moment to come back, heading towards the chair they’re using as a prop for one of the dance parts that will be featured in the mv. He throws a leg over it when he sits down, leaning his chest against the backrest and resting his chin on his crossed arms, intimately, seductively, like Jeno told him to do. His legs are spread lazily around the sides of the chair and at the end of the bridge he’s supposed to fall back. But there’s no music now, so he just stares at Jeno - intimately, seductively.

“You should keep doing it. Calling me Donghyuck-ah, I mean. It’s cute. And you’ve always been cute, Jeno-yah.”

“You know what would be cuter, Donghyuck-ah? You stopping dillydallying and actually getting this part of the choreo right.”

Donghyuck shows him his tongue in a bratty gesture as he stretches back, and Jeno wears out all his patience just to stop himself from reaching out and pulling up the low collar of Donghyuck’s black shirt down so that it stops exposing his collarbones.

“Come on, from the start again. If you can get it right within today we can start practicing with the back dancers tomorrow.”

“Don’t the back dancers also need time to learn the choreo before they can practice with me?”

“They already did. It’s not their fault if you’re so busy. So, I’ll keep the time for you, do it again from the end of the chorus, and one, two-three, and four, and five.”

Donghyuck falls back, cushioning his fall with a flex of his elbows and knees. He does it so seamlessly it feels like he’s weightless. (Jeno fell in love with the way Donghyuck fell down during the final dance break of Cherry Bomb, it inspired most of his undergrad graduation project, so of course he wouldn’t miss the chance to make Donghyuck fall down. But then, something he learned while working with Donghyuck, he’s not just weightless when he falls down, he’s weightless when he gets up too. He kicks in the air, his leg forming a perfect parabola mid-air around the chair, while he kicks the chair to the side with his other leg as he gets up like someone just pulled him up with invisible wires. Perfect. So fucking perfect.)

“Mind your arms there, you’re focusing too much on the footwork.”

Donghyuck doesn’t even wince, he smile at the reprimand and finishes the section with a roll of his hips, something Jeno hadn’t even added to the choreography.

Chaewon, who’s just entered the practice room, whistles and claps a little.

“I liked that, Haechan-ssi.” Donghyuck smiles at her before he steals a glance at Jeno, who’s frowning. It makes Chaewon laugh somehow. “Don’t mind him, he liked that too.”

Donghyuck smirks at that, saunters down towards Jeno looking for compliments. “How was it?”

“Sloppy. But in an elegant way. You should try again a few times alone and then with me or Sam.”

Many things can be said about Donghyuck’s attitude towards practice. He doesn’t like doing it, and he certainly sighs and moans and complains, entirely overdramatic, but he never stops until he thinks he can execute the moves flawlessly. Jeno knows he will have to try everything again to see if he can actually perform this song and sing it at the same time, but that will come later.

“Wanna try with music?” he asks. “Also, it’s getting late. We can order takeout if you want.”  
Donghyuck shakes his head.

“Maybe later. I should focus on finishing this.”

He’s not looking at Jeno but at the mirror, at himself. The only one who Donghyuck sees as a rival is Donghyuck himself, after all. Jeno orders for him too, and since he doesn’t know what Donghyuck likes he orders something he himself would never eat, just because they always had opposite tastes, he and Donghyuck.

Samuel leaves before the food arrives, Chaewon and Hyunsuk stay and eat fried chicken on the floor of the practice room, staring at Donghyuck’s movements getting sharper and sharper against the floor.

“He learns so fast,” Chaewon whispers, “it’s kinda unfair.”

She says that as if she wasn’t equally as fast when learning new choreographies.

“He has a lot of schedules,” Jeno explains, “so the earlier he finishes the earlier he can go home and sleep, or game, or whatever he does when he’s not working.”

Jeno asked once, a few days ago, over drinks, what Donghyuck does when he’s not working. Donghyuck just shrugged. What Jeno knows is that Donghyuck likes to text in his free time. He never does it when he’s working - he’s professional like that - and he only does it sometimes during breaks at the shooting venue. But when he’s home or on his way there Donghyuck texts Jeno a lot, in bursts of short messages that just keeps coming, like the aftershocks of a big earthquake.

He asks Jeno about his cats and his university graduation and the other guys on the crew. He asks about ice cream flavors and good restaurants and art exhibitions and music recommendations and cheesy family dramas. He never asks about girlfriends - not about boyfriends either, but once, only once, and Donghyuck was probably drunk, he asked Jeno if he had kissed someone in the last few months.

“Yes,” Jeno had answered, and he had waited for the color to drain from Donghyuck’s face before he answered, “in my dreams.”

He hadn’t told Donghyuck what he meant and Donghyuck had probably been too drunk that night, and too embarrassed the following morning. Jeno does dream about a kiss, an old kiss, always the same kiss from that cold and wet spring morning, snow and flurries mixing in the air, floating in swirls before they fall to the ground, ready for someone to step on them. Sometimes Jeno wakes up and sees the wrinkled up pretty pink petals collapsing in a puddle like tiny, impalpable little boats, imprinted on his eyelids just like the taste of Donghyuck’s lips is imprinted on his mouth.

They never talked about it. They never really talked after that day. Not until now.

Donghyuck’s stomach grumbles and he reluctantly leaves the mirror to kneel down next to them, stealing a chicken leg with his bare hands.

“Oh gosh, this chicken is delicious,” he hums around the greasy bite.

“Thank you, I made it myself.”

Chaewon and Hyunsuk don’t laugh, probably too used to the stupid joke, but Donghyuck is not quick enough to stifle a giggle, and when he catches himself he lets out a dramatic wail.

“You’re a menace Jeno Lee, and you’re also not fun.”

“That is the whole point, you know? No Jam. Jenojam.”

Hyunsuk cringes.

“Say, Haechan-ssi, was he always so lame?”

Donghyuck laughs at that, eye crinkling, loud and heartmouthed.

“Ah, Jeno, more than lame, he was… sweet. He’s always been sweet. Even when we mocked him, he would always smile.” He squints and drops the bone down on the plastic bag, then licks his fingers with a thoughtful expression. “I think Jaemin came up with the No Jam thing? Or was it Jisung?”

It was you. Jeno forces himself to smile.

“Who knows. I don’t remember anymore. It’s been so long.”

_It was you, cruel, careless man. It was always you._

But Jeno is sweet, he’s always been sweet, even when they mock him, and so he smiles.

🌸

Jeno smiles when Donghyuck leans back into him to steal a look at his phone, wanting to know what is making Jeno laugh so hard. He smiles when he grabs Donghyuck’s hand to direct his movements and correct his posture and Donghyuck laces their fingers together. He smiles at all the heart Donghyuck sends him and at the exaggerated way Donghyuck stretches in front of him, a long yawn on his lips, almost as if he knows - and he probably does - that Jeno’s eyes are slaves of the sliver of skin he’s showing him, of the line of his jaw, of him, all of him.

“Is he always that touchy with his friends?” Youngjae asks, watching Jeno fill up his mug with hot water and instant coffee. It’s almost midnight. Chaewon and Hyunsuk have already left. Samuel has holed himself up in their second practice room, probably watching a drama on his phone instead of working on a video for a TikTok challenge. Youngjae was supposed to help him but he’s clearly giving up and decided to leave, one of his arms already in the coat and the other looking for the sleeve as he waits for Jeno to answer. Jeno doesn’t really know what to answer. Through the closed door, he can see Donghyuck singing the song while he dances, probably to get used to doing the hardest moves while breathless.

“It’s just… Donghyuck,” he says, shrugging, feigning nonchalance. “He’s touchy with everyone.”

“Maybe with everyone he knows. I haven’t seen him sitting on my lap like he does with you.”

“He used to do that, back when we were trainees. It’s not a big deal.”

Youngjae’s arm finally finds the sleeve and he slips the thing on.

“Sure, Jeno. If that’s what you want to believe. I’ve known you since university first year. I’ve met Jaemin, Jisung and even the infamous Mark Lee. Hell, you’ve let me meet Taemin that one time on your birthday. But you’ve never, not even once, talked about Lee Donghyuck to me. For what I knew he wasn’t even in NCT DREAM.”

Jeno scoffs at that. How could he have not been in the group? Dream fits Donghyuck like a glove. He was made for that unit, and sometimes Jeno thinks that unit was made for him. Youngjae is waiting. He has seen Jeno dating people many times in the last seven years, but he has never seen him in love. (Yet, Jeno was in love all this time. He just never talked about it. And what could he have said? I almost saw him die once and I took the fall for him. Lost my job for it, my face, a lot of my confidence. And for what? Neither of us could look the other in the eye after that.)

“We kind of lost contact after the accident. He’s an idol, stuff like that happens.”

Youngjae hums. “Yeah, I guess. It’s just, you know, a little suspicious. That you stayed in contact with everyone except him and now he’s back and he’s being super flirty and you’re not telling him to back off like you would with any other client. I’m not dumb, you know?”

 _Yes, yes you are,_ Jeno wants to answer. If you were smart you’d stay away from the mess that is Lee Donghyuck & Lee Jeno. If you were smart you’d pretend everything was fine and walk away and let us make our mistakes in silence, because that’s all that’s going to come out of this. Mistakes. Still, Jeno would make all of them gladly if they were all like Donghyuck.

“You want to know if I like him?” He asks, taking a step forward, but surprisingly Youngjae laughs in his face.

“Jeno, it’s so clear to everyone you like him. He could step on your dick and you would say thank you. You are the most whipped and transparent person I have ever seen.”

Jeno opens his mouth. He closes it. He opens it again. He wants so bad to be mean, but he can’t be mean, not to Youngjae, random guy Youngjae, with the most common name and the most common face, normal, anonymous, lost in the crowd Youngjae, who adopted Jeno and gave him some of his normalcy, some of his trivial happiness, who sat with him in class and drank with him after class and shared notes and never cared that Jeno was a former trainee from SM with a ruined face and a ruined heart. Jeno could never be mean to him.

“Sure, I like him, why not. He’s incredibly pretty and funny and talented. But he’s also one of our clients and you know I wouldn’t risk ruining that. Plus he’s an idol. He’s high profile. He’s not the kind of person I can afford to mess up with.”

Youngjae’s scowl deepens.

“He’s the one who’s messing up with you. He literally throws himself at you all the time.”

“Are you jealous?”

“No? Fuck, bro, I’m not in love with you, I’m just looking out for you.”

Jeno looks at him like he’s crazy.

“It’s just... you’ve always had that attitude, like, i got my heart broken so bad I won’t ever fall in love again, and it was him - I know it was him because you’re fucking transparent - and I want to know what you’re going to do with this, Jeno.”

“What I want to do?” Jeno takes a moment to understand what Youngjae is implying, and then he panics. “He’s a client, Jae! He’s an idol, he’s followed by paparazzi everwhere, it’s just…”

“This, this is why it’s not going to end up well, Jeno. The others didn’t see you mope around for years, but I did. And I always thought it was him, like, maybe he didn’t like you back enough, maybe he hurt you so bad you spent literal years of your life being too sad about him to enjoy your life, but it wasn’t like that, isn’t it? You weren’t moping because he broke your heart. You were moping because you never even gave him the chance.”

He says it all in one breath, and then he zips up his coat, all the way up to his chin, glaring the whole time. It leaves Jeno speechless, so speechless that when Youngjae talks again he’s absolutely not ready to answer.

“Did you even confess to him, Jeno?”

 _No,_ Jeno wants to answer, _but I took a glass plank in the face for him. That I did._

🌸

(Jeno falls in love with Donghyuck in between dances classes in tiny, claustrophobic practice room, where there’s more sweat than air, sweat in the walls and on the floor, becoming part of the building to haunt it with the fatigue of countless bodies, countless kids whose dreams were shattered by the burden of endless practice. Jeno falls in love with Donghyuck in bright corridors, in front of the vending machine, because Donghyuck always remembers his favorite snacks and drinks and gets both of them when Jeno is unsure about what he wants. Jeno falls for Donghyuck on the backstage of the Mickey Mouse show as he vocalizes, fists clenching and unclenching to dispel the nervousness he feels before they start recording. Jeno falls in love with Donghyuck wearing a wig at the Rookies’ show and with Donghyuck wearing a white t-shirt when they come back to the hotel, leaving one single smudge of black eyeliner on the candid handtowel from where he had failed to remove his makeup. He falls asleep almost immediately after and Jeno watches him breathe, feeling out of place, mismatched like a sock that lost its pair in the washing machine.

Jeno falls in love with Donghyuck and he decides that, fuck it, if they let them debut together he’ll confess.)

**Author's Note:**

> yes i did that cliché thing in which everyone has a favorite kakaotalk character and they only use their emoji (jeno has neo, who's also on his kakao theme, donghyuck frodo and jaemin ryan ofc) also again please ignore the timestamps it's so difficult to make things work when it's you and your mother's phone only ;; also if you have advice for the formatting of the kakaotalk part i'll gladly take them bc i struggled so much sigh sob ;;
> 
> please leave a kudo if you liked it or let me know what you think <3 water your local flowerwriter with appreciation if you have time~  
> thank you for reading <3


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